Listening
It was not so long ago I was spoken to in a disrespectful manner and tone. My Officer in Charge (OIC) at work reprimanded me for providing him my Chief Warrant Officer Package after it was completed, not giving him a chance to weigh in on any of the write-ups that made up the application. While I explained to him in detail the timeline I was working on in the absence of a timeline that should have been provided by the command, he cut me off, explaining that I should have come to him sooner for his assistance in the matter. Charan, (2012) believes you should train yourself to sift for the nuggets in a conversation. Then let the other person know that they were understood by probing, clarifying, or further shaping those thoughts.
Now my perception of the working environment there is that we all play by 'big-boy' rules, so to speak, and being able to problem solve is expected on behalf of every staff member. While I was attempting to complete my package and submit it for review via a process I was creating, my OIC's perception was very different. Apparently, he expected me to know when to get him the package for review. While I could have approached him asking for a timeline he recommended, I had failed to consider this as an option; lesson learned.
However, my OIC's decision to cut me off, and reprimand me, even in the presence of another co-worker, I felt was immature, unprofessional and unproductive. Between his assumptions, distractions and expectations, he could not truly hear where I was coming from. Instead, he was so interested in getting his point across and communicating his disappointment, I was never heard (Schnell, 1995). I felt like he did not care for my explanation, my perception, or how I might take his response. My OIC even stated that the application and the process was all screwed up, when he had never even seen the application (which was flawless after working on it for over two years). In fact, it created a wedge in our working relationship. For some reason, experiencing this side of him turned me off so much, I chose not to engage him on a personal level, and kept all interaction strictly professional. The underpinning atmosphere between us on a day-to-day basis was a bit tense, and unpredictable. Feeling he would not re-approach me about the pointed discussion we had had, I decided not to approach him knowing he was leaving the command in a couple months.
We were the only two Naval Special Forces operators in our directorate, and I was treated the way I was, because he felt it was the best way to hold me to a higher standard if I was looking to get an officer commission. In a way, this event was a professional development moment from his perspective, whereas it was degrading, humiliating, and I felt talked down to. In this respect, we had two very different models of the world we were working in (McKay, Davis & Fanning, 2009).
While I received his message 'loud and clear', his tone, body language, and overall disposition was demeaning. Before I left for a one month leave period back to the United States, I wanted to 'clear the air' with him, believing we may very well cross paths again in our very small community, but I could not find him when I was getting ready to leave. He will not be there when I return.
I had ran the scenario that took place over and over in my mind, trying to justify why I felt the way I felt. Did I have to feel this way; angry, frustrated, and misunderstood? No, but from how it could have went, I suppose I resented him for choosing to handle it the way he did as a leader in our community. If my OIC had only explored with an attitude of interest rather than hostility, and discussed what I should have done in a more empathetic manner, I would have received the same message, while preserving the relationship (KcKay et al, 2009). McKay et al (2009) explains that taking the time to clarify with the speaker, in fact, supports the speaker. It will give the speaker the perception that the listener is trying to understand what is being communicated, as well as engaging the speaker with an earnest interest in the subject matter.
References:
Charan, R. (2012, June 21). Leadership development: The discipline of listening. Retrieved from https://hbr.org/2012/06/the-discipline-of-listening.
McKay, M., Davis, M. & Fanning, P. (2009). Messages: The communications skills book (3rd ed.). Oakland, CA: Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Peters, T. (2009, December 7). Tom peter's leadership thoughts: Listening [Youtube Video]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwB7NAvKPeo.
Schnell, J. (1995). Effective listening: More than just hearing. [Viewpoint Document]. Retrieved from http://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/ED379691.pdf.
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