Conflict Resolution
Throughout my life, it has been a wonderful challenge to steer each and every conversation, discussion, lecture, argument, and atmosphere to a more desired condition. I realized I had the ability to influence these things, because I was so self-aware growing up. By the time I was in my early twenties, I was often looking to engage in controversial conversations with people I knew, and people I did not know, but were willing to have the discussion with me. I learned through these engagements that I was able to have an enjoyable conversation of discovery. I was discovering how people reacted to my thoughts by way of my words, body language, voice inflection, tone, behavior, pauses, gestures and my reactivity to what they were saying. I also found that what I was wearing, and the environment we were in, played a role in how the conversation would go. Knowing I had the power to influence a discussion, gave me confidence to work on mastering the tools that would help me steer those moments.
In my working environment, the maturity level is such that anything other than avoidance can easily end up hurting your career. In this environment, it appears to be best not to engage where traditional stances are perceived to be more valuable than conflict resolution. That traditional stance is typically to argue until the other is proven wrong. Therefore, I prefer to use an example outside my organization. Rarely do I see a conflict ensue in Garrison.
In the family dynamic, there are unlimited opportunities to engage in conflict resolution. Some time ago, in a conversation with my younger brother, Jeff, we discussed what we had decided when it came to raising our children with respect to religion. Were our children being raised the way our parents raised us, or were we venturing away to something different? When my brother asked if I was going to church with my family, I told him that as much as I would like to find a congregation that would suit our family's beliefs, we would simply teach them at home. At that moment, I had asked him if he and his family were going to church, and he had replied, no, but if he was able to find one near where they lived, they would. After he had told me that the religion would be that of which we were brought up on, he ask me what system of faith my family was following. I told him that is was Christian, much like what we grew up on, but quite a bit more spiritual. Jeff continued to ask specific questions about my family's faith. After answering each question, knowing him, I could tell he did not necessarily agree with where I was coming from, but he continued to nod, as if to say he understood, trying not to show an inner conflict.
At this point, my brother, believing there's a wrong and a right system of believe, as I suppose many a people believe, I tried not to express a righteous behavior towards him. Instead, I chose to share with him a relative perspective on the matter. I explained that while we both grew up believing the same thing in Christianity, as he does now, I had simply discovered for myself another way to look at the same religion that my spouse happen to share. I continued to explain that what we believed was right for us, and what he and his family believed was right for them. In this moment, Jeff appeared a bit more relaxed, less concerned, less on guard, and more accepting. While the hidden conflict laid behind the conversational behavior, the change in perception allowed for an acceptance of the shift from inner conflict to a non-competitive disposition.
The great thing about that conversation was that it the format for all future conversations between us that involved a difference of opinion, or decision. We were both able to respect each others perspective without having to challenge each other over who was right, or who was wrong. Looking back, I would have approached the conversation differently by setting the stage first that our differences are character strengths, unique to ourselves. If us leaders can find a conflict resolution approach that spoke to numerous types of conflicts, would those who applied it the first time look to it again as a source to diffuse future potential conflicts?
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